Realizing you are in an abusive relationship takes a long time to acknowledge & an even harder time to accept. Once you do, however, you’re likely unable to allow circumstances to remain exactly as they are.
For some, the violent cycle has gone on for far too long and the thought of allowing it to continue any longer seems harder than all the years it happened.
This feels difficult because it is this difficult. Think about it, all of a sudden you are bringing light into a place that has only known darkness. You can bet that there will be great resistance.
This kind of change can be confusing, overwhelming and even dangerous, but you don’t need anything other than YOU to start the process. Below are a few incredibly important alterations you can (and probably need) to make RIGHT NOW:
Positive Support: Tell friends, family, coworkers, professionals who actually can and want to help you. Invite more of these people into your life & absorb their good-natured energy.
Schedule Therapy : If you do nothing at all, at least do this! At the base of it, talking is effective because you’re forced to find words for the feelings/ circumstances ongoing. This invites clarity by beginning the process of helping YOU see YOUR own thoughts in the matter; only then can you begin to re-frame them.
Regain Your Independence: Start to accept that failing means learning. Gaining independence means getting in the habit of persisting even after a “failure.”
Happiness: At your core, what makes you happiest? What fills your cup? Whatever it may be, slowly bring it back into your life. If you’re finding it no longer carries joy, it’s likely that you have grown & changed. Don’t worry, this is life & that’s the point. Take this opportunity to get in touch with the person you are now & explore what makes your heart glow.
Reevaluate your definition of Love. What is your love language? What feelings arise when you think of love? Often times we have hidden expectations, images, ideas and feelings that come to mind when we think about love. Explore them. Determine if they are healthy (rooted in unconditional love) or unhealthy (rooted in fear). Take this process gently.
Children: Spend time with them if you have them. Trust me, they want to see more of you.
Doubt: Leave it at the door. It will deplete motivation. “You can do this.” and “It is possible.” The way you talk to yourself matters, so be your own coach and cheer for team YOU even if no one else does. Even if you don’t believe what you’re saying, eventually you will. Surround yourself with people who believe in you too.
Research: There is a vast amount of information out there on exactly what you’re going through at this very moment. Read, read, read. Knowledge will help you gain insight. (But stay distant from negativity.)
Be open: Changing this cycle is harder than creating it. Allow yourself to be open to things you’ve never entertained before. Breaking old patterns means trying out new ones.
Assigning responsibility: You are responsible for you and children if you have them. However, you are NOT responsible for the growth, or lack-of, in someone else. Drop that self-made burden. He is responsible for himself.
You: Be kind to yourself. Love yourself and forgive yourself. You are a beautiful, important life and no one knows you & your needs like you do, so tend to your well being. Choose YOU over him, over the violence and make you the spotlight of your life again.